Rites of spring

I think Easter is a holiday of inconvenience.

First, the weather rarely cooperates. All those outdoor sunrise services, and the weather here in northeast Ohio is generally forty or below and most likely raining or snowing on Easter morning. So, we all deck ourselves out at the crack of dawn in new spring outfits and freeze our behinds off outside on frost-covered benches. He arose, we are told, while we worry that we might be stuck frozen to the seats.

Second, the daggone baskets. With three dogs and two cats, hiding the baskets has gotten to be challenging. The dogs eat the candy, and the cats ingest the Easter grass, and all of them have digestive upsets. To hide the baskets really well generally means that the kids can't find them either, and then we experience the "Why me?" drama of the child who allegedly get a basket. Then, if I give them too much candy in the basket, the kids eat it all before breakfast and bounce off the walls.

Third, the cooking. There is only so much ham a family of five will eat without complete and total mutiny. Not to mention the hard boiled eggs, which smell like an unfortunate plumbing issue. Having family over requires cleaning and planning, neither of which I felt like doing this year, especially if my house smells like the septic truck.

Let's not forget the shopping. I see the ads--pastel, frilly organdy dresses, which will be put on once under duress by my tomboys, and then donated to Goodwill. White shoes, which will be worn out in the field and ruined. And hats? Not happening. Purses, maybe. Nita carries hers everywhere, much like the character or the grandmother on The Golden Girls--handbag outside to play, on the sofa to read, and into the bathroom. I feel like she views our house as a nice place to visit, etc.

And, finally, the worship. So many people who never attend the "regular" services show up for Easter. Custom decrees that we welcome them and make them want to return to worship with us again, but frankly, I don't want them to come back. They talk and laugh during the homily and more holy parts of the service, and my children, who experienced my laser beam stare more than once, keep one eye on the non-regulars and one on me, in case I attempt to make an example of them to show others what happens if one misbehaves in church. If only. Why don't they have Easter Service for Non-regulars, much like Easter Service for Dummies.

So, in my opinion, we kind of veered off track when it comes to this spring celebration. It makes me crabby.