Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Speaking of sports

I am married to the Howard Cosell of lawn care.

Our neighbor can take a simple mow/trim of a little less than an acre and stretch it over three or four days. EG usually does the entire yard in a morning, even when you factor in the screeching at Rocky, who chronically stares off into space instead of applying the clippers to the grass edging.

However, much like the Superbowl, every mow is accompanied by the hyped build-up and debriefing afterward. About two days before, EG will start obsessing about the weather--what's the weather going to be the next couple of days? "I need to mow. You know I only mow once a week, not like SOME PEOPLE. And I need to fit it in between rainstorms." And so on. As his chosen D-day approaches, he will tell me three or four times, "I am going to mow tomorrow. I mow only once a week, and this will have to be the day. It might rain" (or be hot or be cold or perhaps a monsoon is in the future) "so I'd better do it tomorrow." This repeats, much like the commercials for SB, every twenty minutes to an hour for the twelve hours preceding the big event.

On the big morning, I get, "At eight o'clock, I am going to mow. I need to get it done." Again, repeated at irritating intervals. Then he marshalls his troops, poor scatterbrained and distractable Rocky, and off they go, EG running his tractor and yelling at Rocky to "get that stick" over the din. "Over there. No, not that one. Now, why did you drop it again? You will have to pick that one up anyway. Yes, that one. Now put it in the pile. NO, NOT THAT PILE!" Some commentary is Spanish follows, with Rocky running a zig zag pattern in the yard, not quite sure what to do, as he doesn't interpret a lot of the words. Luckily. However, he has most likely discovered they may be useful in the future away from Mom's ears.

Let me add at this point that I hate the sound of the mower. It is loud and distracting and drones on and on, especially for three days a week next door. Add to that the yelling and periodic clunk as the mower hits a dirt clod, and the anticipation of what might happen, and my nerves are fried.

With the big mow, we have third time, not half time. EG will come in and report the status of the front yard as it is finished and then the near back and then the far back. If there is little to report, he will reinforce the fact that he mows only once a week, perhaps bringing in a color commentator in the form of Rocky, who is usually a bit wild-eyed at this point. Him, too.

Then, of course, we have the debriefing after the event. EG will come in and report on the status of the field--what was wet, dry, bumpy, debris on the field, the fumbles made by Rocky, and the overall outcome of this particular event. And we get to do it all over again, but only once a week.


TobyBo said...

lol. Our neighbor cuts his grass every. day. He has a system of going diagonally one way one day, diagonally the other way on day 2, horizontally on day 3, and vertically on day 4.

We cut our grass which is not in fact grass at all but just weeds interspersed where The Dog and The Boy have not worn it down to mud about every 3 weeks.

I bet he would like new neighbors. A Lot.

maeve said...

I cut mine yesterday. I'd hired a neighbor boy to do mine, but I guess he thought it wasn't worth it .... I get that. My front has grass but the back is weeds. That'll come next week if I get time. This part=time job is making me crazy already and I haven't even started.

Munchkin Mom said...

LOL. If we didn't have weeds and crabgrass, we would have dirt. In fact, we do have patches of dirt where the septic was dug up and the weeds haven't taken hold yet.

Maybe that's why they put up the privacy fence . . .

Rocky can pull weeds and end up flinging dirt clumps onto people's heads, so turning him loose with a mower is about the same as giving him a howitzer and saying, "Go for it."