One of my least favorite expressions about grief is "he is only away."
Yeah, like in another dimension? This is supposed to give me comfort? Apparently, this maudlin expression was written by some sap who didn't have a clue about loss.
Kiki has been struggling the most with the loss. She alternates between screaming and being hateful and lecturing all of us in the nicey-nice, insincere tone of voice used by my neighbor who professes to be Christian but lied outright to my face. Three times.
Anyway, either mode is accompanied by incessant, head pounding chatter.
Last night, she exploded again just as I was leaving for yoga with her staying home to be in charge. I told the younger two that I would take Kiki with me, but if they did ANYTHING they weren't supposed to do, I would leave there alone with them the next time she was like this.
They were amazingly good.
While we were in the car, once Kiki stopped shrieking at me, I had a revelation. "You have been in denial about Dad being dead, haven't you," I asked.
She told me she had been telling herself that he was just away on a long trip, and he would be coming home eventually. We talked about how that was harmful, and she cried and cried. I told her about how she had to move through the grief, no matter how much it hurt, but that she could control the rate and intensity. This morning, she woke up bleary eyed and puffy faced, but I think she feels more hopeful about her journey.
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I went for a long walk today and played Groban on my iPod. I love his AWAKE music because it captures the "presence" of those who are gone: "Where is my old friend gone, lost in a February song", and "you're still here". He's left a lot behind for you that is the essence of him. But he would agree that he's really gone, not "only away". The parts and pieces of his love for you and for his kids are still here because they are his permanent gifts to you. OK, now I'm preaching. And there are tears in my eyes for your grief.
letting you know I am here, reading.
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