Tuesday, October 11, 2011

It Makes Me Wonder

One thing about the physical symptoms of grief is that they make you wonder if it's grief or if you're getting sick.

Or maybe you're getting sick because of grief.

I have been waking in the night and crying. I think now that it is for two reasons. First, Rocky's court issues are more or less resolved, so my energy is not devoted to worrying about the worst possible outcome. Oh, and the neighbors involved in all this are gone on a vacation, so we have some peace; I didn't realize how invasive their presence really is. But mainly my renewed grief is because this weekend we will be scattering EG's ashes out back where he wanted them, with the buried pets.

It is where I want to be put, too.

The Catholic church (or a representative in the form of a priest), informed me EG needed to be placed in one place on consecrated ground. Consequently, I found a Methodist minister who will come out and bless the ground--and I can justify him being in one place by pointing out that he is in the back quarter-acre here and not scattered throughout the neighborhood or in Lake Erie (although I could argue that Lake Erie is one place).

We will plant 15 forsythia and put in over 50 daffodils to naturalize, and we have already planted some black-eyed Susans around the pine trees out there. I have some daylilies, and I will add yellow sunflowers, which he liked, too. When I look out my kitchen window, I will see yellow, and I will put a bench out there, with some solar lighting, so I can go out there and sit.

However, it is cold comfort compared to having the real thing.


maeve said...

When Bop got his terminal dx I began having "heart problems". Couldn't sleep, couldn't stop crying, and found myself doing the breathe..breathe..breathe thing when my chest hurt badly and I was sure I was dying. Paxil took care of it for me. Six months after he died I weaned myself off of it with the doc's help. Mind you, I don't believe in drugs. Well, except for Pinot Grigio.

Munchkin Mom said...

My MD gave me a little assistance. I took one at three this morning, and I was zonked all day.

Tonight I will take one at bedtime and let myself sleep--I am hoping a good night's rest will help.

I went to the bank today. The tellers all knew and liked EG so well. One was telling me how obvious it was how much he loved his family. I went out to the car and cried.

debinca said...

Hugs, Owl. I like the memorial spot you have chosen. REALLY like it a lot. Its not allowed here in CA, but I say it should be. Spring will be beautiful!

maeve said...

Your memorial garden sounds perfect, much more perfect than a plot with a headstone in "consecrated ground" of a Catholic cemetery. His spirit will be close and you'll feel it I'm sure -- and so perfect for the kids to have a place to remember him.