How Many Times Do I Have to Tell You?

I remember my mom saying, "I'm not going to tell you again."

And she didn't. At least not in words.

However, she also didn't have Rocky as a child. I have told Rocky at least 962 times to not let the dogs lick him. I told him the dogs lick their own anatomy, that the dogs have germs, and that I don't want to reinforce that behavior in my dogs. I have also told him innumerable times that he should not sit below the dogs so their heads are above his, as the dogs view that as submissive behavior.

So, of course, at least five times a week, I walk in the living room to find Rocky on the floor, the dog above him, slurping his face.

Let me point out, too, that this is the same kid who won't use the same unused napkin his sister had next to her plate because it has germs.

The same thing with table manners. Rocky will pick up his sandwich, thumbs on top, elbows winging out to the side and causing the rest of us to bob and weave, and take a huge bite, causing food to fall out onto his plate, the table, or the floor. He picks up things like macaroni by using the points on the fork, going bink-bink-bink-bink-bink-bink-bink-bink-bink-bink-bink-bink-bink-bink-bink-bink-bink-bink and then quickly transporting the laden fork to his mouth to catch as much as possible before it falls back off the fork. I have pointed out to him that he can do this maneuver slower and more quietly, but again, I must be lapsing into Tagalog or some other language he finds unfamiliar.

Plus, the kid eats like he's been lost in the wilderness for five days, and finally, finally he is getting something other than grubs and roots. I hesitate to put more food on his plate unless he has backed away and the fork is on the table.

I have come to the conclusion that this is a male thing. No offense to the men out there, but let's face it. Many times, I have asked EG, "Who did you ignore before you met me?" I will tell him something, and he will reply appropriately. A few hours later, he is in complete denial that the conversation ever took place.

Plus, I remember seeing Mel Gibson eating pie in a movie role (why can't I get into acting and get that kind of role--mine would most likely consist of me, a deranged person, and a power tool; but I digress). Anyway, the Melster devoured that pie, in huge chunks, leaning his arm on the table. I just know somewhere his mother was rolling her eyes and HOPING he was simply keeping in character but deep down convinced, despite her best efforts, he wasn't usually eating with his pinky extended, let alone knowing whether he should fold his napkin at the end of the meal.

So, to my future daughter-in-law: Don't blame me: I really did try.